Supporting Children through Divorce

Articles > Supporting Children through Divorce

by Shoshana Dayan

Divorce is painful for all family members. You and your ex partner may suffer from the loss of the partnership and couple identity that you have forged. It is important not to forget the smallest victims of divorce; children. Your children need to have extra support during separation and divorce. Here are some helpful hints to face divorce with dignity, courage and inner strength and make the painful process easier for your children.

Don’t Symbolically Divorce your Child when you Divorce your Spouse
There are many cases when parents divorce that they also divorce their children symbolically. The “divorce of the children” can come about indirectly through not providing them with enough love, attention and nurturing. This may be due to them finding similar traits in their children to those that their ex-spouse had, which leads to the projection of misplaced anger and negativity placed on to their child. If a parent cuts themselves off emotionally from their child, it leads to the youth feeling a sense of guilt or responsibility for the divorce, wondering “if only…” Support your children and give them a sense that even though your relationship with their mother/father has transformed, (not ended) into a parenting relationship that you will always be there for them and follow up these words with action. Prove to your child that you will be there for them by always making them a priority.

Parents, Be Civil Towards One Another
One of the best ways to help children through divorce is to avoid talking negatively about the other parent to your children. When you see your ex-spouse, be civil. Your children will carry with them memories of animosity long after the communication exchange has passed. If you are civil and maintain your integrity in your dealings with your ex-spouse, you truly are putting your child’s needs first. You are also modeling healthy relationship endings to your children. They will take with them the images of how you ended your romantic relationship with your spouse and they may repeat the dynamic, learn from it or become fearful as a consequence. Be aware of how important it is to maintain a civil or neutral dynamic, because although your romantic relationship has ended with your spouse, your co-parenting partnership continues and is life-long.

Provide Your Child With Positive Attention and Communicate Well
Children of divorce need extra support and a sense of safety. The importance of a secure home cannot be stressed enough. When children of divorce are going through the turmoil of the insecurity of their family structure, it becomes even more important that they have certain constants in their lives, particularly having parents who follow through with their commitments to their children. This is a very challenging and confusing time for your child. One day mom and dad are together and the next day one parent is no longer in the home. Even if it was a long time coming, often children of divorce feel a sense of immediate upheaval on the day a parent leaves. As a responsible parent, it is best to provide your child with extra love, support, and attention. It is very natural for them to act out in an attempt to gain negative attention, often as an attempt to act out what they cannot say, “look at me, I am in pain too.” Children of divorce often seek negative attention by acting out behavior, if they are not getting enough positive feedback. It is best to stress the positive aspects of their behavior and they will be more inclined to repeat them and feel a sense of pride in themselves. Providing positive attention to your child is a building block of self-esteem. If your child acts out negatively during this transitional time, remember to draw a distinction between them and the behavior; that they are essentially good people, but the behavior needs to change. Provide your child with open communication, but filter what they do not need to hear. If you adopt the approach of continually questioning whether certain information should be heard by your child you may find yourself better able to navigate through this difficult time.

Don’t Forget Your First Family
It is natural that when you move forward and meet a suitable partner that you will consider having more children. It is very common for the children of the first partnership to feel a sense of being “replaced,” when half-siblings come along. This can be an opportunity for parents to make their children of the first marriage feel important and included. You can encourage your child with open communication and spending time together, letting him/her know that the addition of a new family member will add to the closeness, sense of play and family unity, rather than take something from your child.

Make Room For Your Child
Making room for your child is an important step in helping them feel secure. The concept of making room for your child refers to not only making room for them emotionally by giving them positive attention, but also physically making room for them in your home. If you are given part-time visitation, make sure that they always feel that they have a home with you, by giving them space to keep some of their belongings in your home. In my practice, I have heard cases of some parents who do not give their children space in their home (such as a cupboard, bedroom if you have space, etc.) and wonder why their child prefers to stay at the home of the other parent. I have heard other cases where parents attempt to exert control over their children by requiring them to keep clothing they have purchased only in their home and return items before their visitation ends. It may be helpful for you to check yourself before reacting, by thinking “is this in the best interests of my child?”

Expressing Pain: Therapy as a positive outlet of expression
There may be challenges post-divorce with parenting your children due to the fact that you and your ex-spouse may have different parenting styles. If you have different parenting styles in your partnership, there may be compromises, however, in a co-parenting arrangement with an ex-spouse, there may not be any (or very few) compromises. Therefore, it is imperative to have the mindset of looking out for the interests of your child, ahead of your own feelings towards your ex-spouse. Be aware of not transferring displaced emotions from your ex-partner on to your children. It may be helpful for you and your child to seek therapy individually and have the option of family therapy to work through roadblocks. Many children of divorce contain their feelings and do not have a safe outlet to express their feelings. It is often beneficial for children of divorce to speak to a therapist and begin the process of letting go of some of the anger and pain that they could contain for years and may impact their choice of future partner and sense of self.

Conclusion
In conclusion, you can have an important role in assisting your child through the challenging life transition of divorce. By providing positive attention, communicating effectively, following through on commitments, making room for your child and making them feel special you can help them have a strong sense of self. They may benefit from therapy or creative activities to express their feelings. Though divorce will most often always be painful, you can do your best as parents to filter what you say about your ex-spouse which will make life easier for your child. By being a strong support to your children and modeling positive behavior, you can teach them that partnerships can transform peacefully.

Shoshana Dayan, M.A., M.Ed., R.C.C
Individual, Couple & Family Therapist
Vancouver, BC
www.therapyrenewal.com