Overcoming Grief and Negative Patterns

Articles > Overcoming Grief and Negative Patterns

Lost love hurts ... whether it be the dream of what you wanted the partner to be or the reality of the partner that you lost. You may have stayed in an unhealthy relationship longer than you should have because you thought that your partner could change. You discover that the dream of what they could be is far better than the reality of who they are. You found yourself saying, "if only..." if only we owned a house together, things would be different, if only we were married, we would be happy...if only she had a different job, she would be happier. If only I gave her more attention, she would have been faithful. If you listen to the "if only's" it is a dangerous, slippery slope, where you can cast a shadow over your sense of self-love and spiral into unnecessary hope and desire for the partner to be other than they are, which leads to resentment in the partner and unsatisfied restlessness in you. You find yourself making excuses for their behavior, which leads to further disappointment and accepting the unacceptable.

Social pressures may instill the human need for coupling. In the media, magazines, childhood fairytales, television, movies, the idea of finding one special "soul mate" pressures us to find someone meeting that ideal. What is a soul mate anyway? How can you tell that the person you have chosen to spend time with is the all powerful "one". Can you love more than one person intensely in your lifetime? How does that fit with the soul mate concept - the person who is supposed to be your be all and end all of your "world". That's a lot of pressure for one person to fulfill. What if they are not perfect and can't live up to that ideal? What if you never find that person? When you begin to see all of your previous experiences with people whether it be romantic, platonic, or mentorship you can be released from the limiting concept of soul mate. Even your greatest enemy can be transformed into a teacher, helping you learn about yourself, helping you figure out how you want to be in the world.

The concept of "everlasting" has led to modern day marriages, with the desire to leave a mark on the earth. Some couples have children, so that they have a sense of continuing their generational line in the planet long after they have gone, to fulfill the desire to be remembered. When you have a partner there is a sense of security in having someone to share life experiences. We all love to be loved and to feel special. It is important to feel a sense of self-worth from within, rather than a sense of needing others to validate you, which would give them too much power and may lead to you accepting negative behaviors.

It is important to recognize the negative pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable or even abusive partners because deep down we may not feel a sense of self-worth. When you recognize this deep insecurity and give to yourself through positive self-talk and validation, you have a much better chance of letting go of an unhealthy relationship, despite the fear of being alone, and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone better for you.

Shoshana Dayan
Vancouver Family Therapist
therapyrenewal.com