Overcoming Betrayal

Articles > Overcoming Betrayal

Endings...endings are always difficult, especially when you have a traumatic relationship ending through betrayal by one or both parties. How can you recover from betrayal? That is such an important question, as it takes time to trust again and be open to love. You may find yourself having memory triggers as you watch a movie, hear a love song on the radio, or glance through a magazine at the supermarket. You're constantly distracted by the thought of betrayal and experience dual feelings of missing the person and despising them at the same time (which is completely natural).

Give yourself the space that you need to mourn the loss. Do not deny your feelings. Take the time to feel the loss and reflect. You may find that there were signs of betrayal that you ignored either consciously or unconsciously. The first step is to acknowledge your pain and take the time needed to feel the pain and work towards letting go. The next step may be journaling and taking time to examine their feelings and what may have led to the affair. You or your partner may want to see a therapist to examine individually your respective feelings about the relationship and/or the traumatic ending. Let yourself feel the layers of emotions, similar to the metaphor of an onion. There may initially be feelings of anger, sadness, followed by guilt and self-criticism leading you to question whether you may have been partially responsible for making your partner have an affair. Truth is that no matter what your role was in the lack of closeness you may have had with your partner, there is no acceptable reason for betrayal.

Some couples choose to reconcile after an affair but find it difficult to trust one another. In order to overcome the betrayal, it is necessary for the partner who had the affair to stop all communication with the third party. The partner who cheated should be willing to answer openly and honestly answer any questions their spouse has about the affair. They should be accountable for their actions and be honest with themselves when it comes to this happening in the future. The couple should decide if they need to see a Marriage Therapist to work through the pain and create a better future. You must recognize that it is only natural that the relationship may never be the same and you will need to work harder at reassuring one another about its future and developing trust.

Other couples may decide that there is no way back once one of them has cheated. The feelings of betrayal may cause too many feelings of rejection and lack of trust. If that is the case, the spouse who cheated should examine why they chose not to leave their partner first before engaging in an affair. They should take a look at the pain their actions have caused and try to learn from the experience.

People may betray their partners for a variety of reasons. They may enjoy the forbidden pursuit and have a lack of empathy for their partner. They may also be searching for some emotional connection that may be lacking in their relationship, combined with the fear of actually leaving their partner. Beginning again in a new relationship is difficult to do for most people who have been betrayed. It will take time, effort and an exploration of the past to create a better future and choose a more trustworthy partner.

Remember that every relationship should be seen as an opportunity rather than an obligation. If you see your partner as a source of obligation, sooner or later you will resent that person and life will become monotonous, leading to looking outside the relationship either through actions or thoughts to find someone else more stimulating. The key to a healthy relationship is to continually and in every moment choose and appreciate your partner.

Shoshana Dayan
Vancouver Family Therapist
therapyrenewal.com